05.15.17 Deepest, Heart-Felt Feelings

Monday, May 15, 2017 – This blog post contains some of my deepest, heart-felt feelings. I was released from the hospital a week ago today. It took a few days for me to realize how close to death I was the Thursday it all started.  God’s not finished with me yet in this life, so he kept me here on earth, and I’m still kicking!

I feel so different since all this happened and I’m going to attempt to put into words what’s changed.  You may know I have Vascular and Frontotemporal Degeneration Dementia.  After much prayer and anxiety I had gotten to a place where I was able to share this with others and to make peace with it myself.  God is good like that!

In my acceptance of this path that God wants me to walk, I didn’t realize how closed down I was becoming.  I wasn’t completely closed down, just making my way there.  Social settings seemed to cause my brain to mush (my term, obviously not technical) that I’d begun avoiding them.  If you know me, you know this is a 180 degree turn from my previous self. Living a simple, quiet life seemed to suit me quite well during that time. I have to share here that when I started this blog post I wasn’t sure I’d find words, yet they are pouring out.  God is good like that!

Since leaving the hospital I’ve realized that while I was there I had many moments of great mental clarity.  I look at life with a new optimism and love for our Lord.  One might say that I needed the blood transfusions. That might have contributed, yet I don’t think that’s what caused it.  I’ve been in that acceptance stage of my dementia for about a year now and I wasn’t losing blood all that time.

The last day I was at the hospital I had an endoscopy which required some form of anesthesia. I don’t know what I had but it wasn’t twilight or full anesthesia.  Upon awakening from the anesthesia my level of peace and clarity was extremely high.  It may have been that when I was told immediately after the procedure that it was a bleeding ulcer, looked benign and that the treatment started a few days before was what I’d need to heal this.

Maybe something in the anesthesia itself awakened something in my brain that was closed off from the brain atrophy or TIA lesions.  Did God use this even to give me some quality time right now??  God is good like that!!

Our family has had some difficulties functioning normally in the last few years.  We are in a good place right now which I know has lifted some of the mind numbing stress.  God walked each of us to this beautiful place in our family’s history.

I believe in looking at all possibilities to conquer a problem, to understand a challenge or whatever life throws at us so that is what I’m doing right now.  I have to admit I am crying as I write this, I am so overwhelmed at the difference in my life before and after this recent hospital stay.  One of the results of frontotemporal dementia is an inability to feel emotions.  Me crying says to me that something has definitely changed.

God has changed me regardless of how it happened.  He can do all things, remember??

I believe it is God taking bits of several things and working them together for my good.

We had Chip and Misty’s family over here for crawfish after church on Mother’s Day.  Two weeks ago I wouldn’t have undertaken this.  I didn’t cook anything. Chip and Misty provided the the boiled crawfish, potatoes and corn.  All that was needed from me, was to have a clean house and outside property.  I looked out the window on Saturday and saw Roy taking care of some of the things I always take care of before company comes.  That makes my heart so happy and thankful! I was looking forward to Mother’s Day so much it surprises me. It turned out to be a spectacular day with very special folks.  More on that in a future blog post!

We haven’t been to church in a couple of weeks between the awful storm two weeks ago and being in the hospital last Sunday. I needed to be in the House of the Lord yesterday with my Trinity family badly. We are very blessed to be members of a church where people love each other and are there for each other.  God is so good!

I had been going to bed at 7 pm, reading for a while and then waking up at 9 or 10 am.  That’s a lot of hours of rest, but I needed that down time to keep my brain fresh during the day.  This week I’ve been staying up until 10 pm (out of the bed) and waking up each day at 8 am ready to start a new day.  I thank God every morning for the opportunity to see and live another day.  I am excited for each day and an opportunity to care for myself better and live a full life.

My grey hair had taken over my head of previously blonde hair.  The last night in the hospital I decided to put an end to that and texted the amazing Christie Williamson about getting my hair styled and colored.  My sister (and what a wonderful sister she is) agreed to switch her appointment time that Wednesday with mine the following Friday, so that I could have it done sooner. I don’t know how much better I look, though I’m giddy happy about it, but the uplift and happiness it gave me was well worth giving in and going for it!

I am happy with a deep joy that makes me catch my breath. I’ve always been thankful for all of God’s blessings but I seem to recognize them easier now.

My thinking is so clear, it’s a bit scary, after going through months where I saw bit by bit my thinking deteriorate.  I’ve not been able to blog like I use to, but now I can’t seem to stop doing it.  I’d taken to playing Farm Town, which I used to play years ago.  It was something to do to keep my brain active.  Now I don’t seem to have much time for such stuff.

Before I was willing to quietly go off into the sunset. Now this ole gal is going to go out living life to the fullest. Whatever contributed to this I know it was all God’s doing.  Being a child of God means trusting him as your Lord and Savior.  It means giving your life to him to live like he wants you to.  I can’t even begin to express to you the peace and joy that comes from knowing this.

I don’t know how long this will last, but I am hoping it last a good long time.  If not, then I am thankful that God gave me this time of clarity and joy. I am learning to love God more each day, live for God more each day and appreciate all the little moments of wonder that he gives me.

One of my favorite hymns is “It Is Well With My Soul.”  I feel like I am beginning to understand the words of this hymn.

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well, with my soul

It is well
With my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul

It is well (it is well)
With my soul (with my soul)
It is well, it is well with my soul

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, o my soul

It is well (it is well)
With my soul (with my soul)
It is well, it is well with my soul

Ya’ll come back now, ya’ hear!

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Click on the links below to go there!

Wacky Wonderful Wednesdays published on Wednesdays

Some Things I Learned About Dementia published randomly

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