Last night, Saturday, I felt such deep grief and cried missing my husband and knowing I will not see him again until I die and go to Heaven. I miss Roy’s presence. I miss his joking and picking on me. I miss his love for me. I miss him reminding me to take my medicine in the morning and evening. I miss his comments throughout the day keeping me on track with my brain. I miss him putting his arms around me when I was having a hard time with my brain. I miss singing with him on Sunday mornings at church whether at Church on the Wall or church in person. I counted on all that and more from Roy and I miss them all. I have so many questions for him about how to do things and where things are around here. I don’t do figuring out things well anymore and I so wish I could have one last visit with Roy, just one last visit.
I started having a few good hours each day and then yesterday happened.
I called Social Security on Tuesday to find out how much of Roy’s Social Security I would be eligible for. and to let them know of his passing away. They took some information and scheduled the official phone interview at 1 pm Thursday.
They called right on time and after asking several questions the Social Security representative asked me to hold while she analyzed everything.
When she came back on the line she informed me that I would be receiving the lump sum burial benefit of $255. And that I was not eligible for any spousal benefits.
My brain froze up and I knew I must have heard her wrong. I asked if she meant I would not receive any of Roy’s social security benefits. She said that was correct.
Because I receive a little retirement check from the State of Louisiana it made me ineligible to receive any of Roy’s Social Security benefits.
Even before hanging up with Social Security I was beginning to cry and was just flat out stunned. Mostly my reaction was because Roy would be so upset if he knew that’s where his death left me financially. After thinking about it for a bit I know that while I won’t be rolling in the dough I will be okay financially. I’m not asking for anyone’s sympathy. I am sharing this so that others will know to check into where there spouse’s death will leave them as far as Social Security is concerned.
When I mostly recovered from that shock Chip took me to Hammond to take care of some things and pick up something I needed. Last week we went to Walmart and yesterday was only the second time I’ve been away from the house since Roy passed away.
We brought my cute little buddy Samson back home. He’s kept me company and I am now looking for a smallish dog for my forever buddy.
Since Roy knew I shouldn’t be driving, he most all of the time took me wherever I needed to go. Roy not being there like he used to be while I as in Hobby Lobby and GoodWill made me so sad. Chip can’t help that he’s not Roy but I hope he knows how much I appreciate him taking me places on his day off even if I didn’t always show it.
I spent an hour in Hobby Lobby walking up and down each aisle. That is usually the best therapy for me since I love that place. It was some help yesterday but I just kept thinking Roy is out in our truck waiting for me. He wasn’t outside waiting for me and that brought sadness to my heart all throughout the store. I did find some cute things to use in my wine bottle decorating. Chip sweetly replaced my debit card with his when it came to checking out.
The main reason we went to Hammond yesterday was to find out information from Verizon about moving my phone number to Roy’s newer phone. And to find out what my bill will be if I remove his number. The young Verizon representative was very nice but having to say the words to him that the phone number I needed to cancel was because my husband passed away was just overwhelming. The young man is very good at what he does and was very kind to me. I now am using the physical phone that was Roys but it has my phone number now. I was prepared to move over to Consumer Cellular but I was happy with the plan changes the young man recommended so something good came out of that.
Back home trying to get accomplished what the young man said to do has been frustrating. I did get Roy’s phone number disconnected though just not the part where I change the type of plan which will reduce my bill with Verizon. Chip said he’ll handle the part I couldn’t do that made me frustrated.
Each time I accomplish something that is necessary since Roy passed away it brings so much grief and hurts my heart. I miss my husband so much.
I did get to shop on my outing with Chip which means fun things for me at home and a couple of new blouses even if they are Good Will blouses!
I know that every single thing I am going through will be used to bring God Glory and it will all work together to be for my good.
It is now Saturday and I’ve made some progress on separating paperwork and getting some of it filed where it belongs. Some of that was medical papers for Roy the last month he was alive. I am saving them just in case they are needed. Looking through them brought all the difficulties Roy had during that time to my memory.
When the paperwork got to be too much for me I started working on some decoupaged plates and rocks.
Roy did not like chicken and dumplings. To show you how much my mama loved Roy, when she cooked chicken and dumplings for us she’d cook some fried chicken for Roy. Chip and I love chicken and dumplings so I made us a nice size pot today.
I am planning to lay low next week by not going anywhere or having anyone over. I’ve loved my visitors this week but I feel I need some downtime for a few days.
I find some days now are harder than when Roy first passed away. I was in shock at first, very much in denial that Roy’s gone for good. I can’t say this enough that I don’t know how to do life without Roy, my best friend by my side. I really don’t want to have to learn but it is what I have to do now and I continue to ask ya’ll for prayers to get our family through this.
Thank you all, Rosalyn