10.01.20 So much has changed

So much has changed since Roy passed away.

I’m not sure how clearly written all of this post is. Losing a spouse for me is like losing a leg. Please love your spouse with all your heart, do right by them and thank God for them every day. One day they will not be there.

The amount of “things” or “stuff” that Roy had is overwhelming to me. A little example of this is I went through one small drawer and came up with three laser pointers. I never needed to know what any of it was before now. I just knew that if I told Roy I needed something a short while later he would produce it. I will miss those times when I shook my head and just wondered how did he have that and where did he keep it. It will take months to sift through his goodies and figure out what to do with them.

I’ve been watching the Saints games without Roy which I’ve never done before. No one can say “Rip their legs off and throw them in the stands” like we could.

I watched the first Presidential debate without Roy which I’m kind of happy he didn’t have to watch.

Even though it is in the future I will vote for the first time without Roy voting with me. He must be so upset that President Trump will have one less vote.

Roy was always the one to cut our grass. My neighbor Daniel has been cutting my grass and Chip cut it yesterday.

I previously washed a load of laundry every day or every other day. Now I wash a load once a week.

Our dishwasher died last week. Roy and I knew that was coming and discussed ordering a bamboo dish drainer. Now either Chip or I wash our dishes by hand. The dishwasher now serves as storage for 3 of my larger cooking pots and lids.

Chip has been trying to help me figure electronic things out when they don’t work right where I used to just ask Roy and he’d walk into the room and things would magically fix themselves.

What used to be Roy’s computer room is now a guest bedroom. Some dear friends gave us the queen size bed. I ordered a 5 drawer dresser to fit between the two closet doors. A headboard and nightstand are coming to complete the bedroom.

Roy didn’t like chicken and dumplings so we didn’t have it but once in a blue moon. I love chicken and dumplings (my favorite food) so I made a big pot last week and enjoyed every bite of it. Having the delicious smell of chicken and dumplings in my house made me cry because of what it represents.

Roy loved petite green peas and I didn’t like them AT ALL. He’d always offer me some and I’d always say “I ate some while I was cooking so you eat the rest.” We always had several cans in the pantry. He also loved Louisiana Hot Sauce but I didn’t like it. Those have been taken out of the pantry and given to my precious daughter in law Misty because she loves them. Not having green peas in my pantry almost feels liked I’ve sinned it was that important to always have some on hand.

Roy’s computer desk and all his computer, server, two printers, and accessories are now living in my rock room. When I first tried to use Roy’s computer it ran really slow. Remembering Roy’s advice to restart a computer if it was running slow I did that. It restarted and a black screen (see photo below) told me. STOP BEWARE. Well, Chip and I both tried to get it to work and it still doesn’t. A young man who is a computer guru is coming Friday to see what he can do to recover Roy’s files.

I have been able to access Roy’s emails from my computer online and have contacted everyone that I needed to ask them to send future communication to my email. So many things that Roy always handled are now mine to figure out.

We always enjoyed our coffee in the morning together either on the front or back porch. Now I drink mine alone wherever I land.

Since I can’t get into his computer I am sure hiding there is the list that I know Roy had of all his passwords.

I’ve sold Roy’s drone and received payment for that today. That was a rough one because that drone gave him so much happiness getting to fly it all around the place.

Our ducks, Peep and Chickie are getting picked up by their new parents on Friday. We’ve had Peep for a year and Chickie since July. I have to cut back on the things I am caring for so I am happy I found new parents for them.

Chip and Misty’s dog Samson lives with me a lot of the time now. He’s a joy and a lot of comfort all rolled up into all 3 1/2 pounds of him. He doesn’t mind when I cry and when he puts his head down and I put my head down on his it is oddly comforting. A cute doggie fence will be ordered for him so he can enjoy the outdoors sometimes without us worried he’s roamed off.

I am planning to go to an in-person worship service at our church this Sunday for the first time since February.

I am doing lots of decoupaging and painting of wine bottles, glass trivets, glass dinner, and lunch plates instead of the rock painting I use to do. I plan on selling some of my creations which I hadn’t considered before.

I now have a beautiful potted plant in my living room that my sister’s family sent to the funeral. The plant that Roy’s brother’s family sent was divided into three plants and pots. They live on the coffee table on the patio.

I can’t tell ya’ll how much I cry and cry while writing these. When the internet representative just left having reset our wifi password I was able to wait until he was out the door before breaking down and crying. It just felt so wrong to have someone else reset something Roy did originally and maintained always. I am really hoping this helps someone else know that the strangest things will set off a crying spell and a hurt heart feeling. I’m told that’s normal. Well, I don’t like this new normal. I don’t what I’d do if I didn’t have God walking by me through this journey.

I go for a couple of days actually being happy and think I am doing this grieving thing well and then I find his tiny harmonica and remember him playing it and just fall to pieces. What wonderful memories we’ve had. That’s not saying I didn’t want to push him off the roof sometimes he was so bad but I know that’s normal too.

I deeply appreciate all the friends and family who have sent me cards, called me, and visited me. You are dear, dear people. I know God is putting you in my life in that specific way to help me.

Please continue to keep my family in your prayers. I’m hoping to run out of things to share in the near future.

2 thoughts on “10.01.20 So much has changed

  1. Dearest Roslyn,
    I can’t even imagine how you are handling your grief. It seem like the writing, which you so so well, is a good release. What day next week would you like to meet me for lunch? The story about the chicken and dumplings and green peas is so touching. It reminded me of a true story I read about a fellow who hated his wife having little ceramic chickens of something in the kitchen window. Every chance he got he would remove them and if he didn’t remove them he would fuss and complain, when she would put them back.
    Well, he lost his wife unexpectedly. He went into the empty kitchen after all the services were done the next morning. There was a beautiful day outside and a nice clean window ledge with nothing on it. It bothered him so much that he went to the cabinet where he had last stashed her little ceramic things and placed them on the ledge. Immediately he felt better (just a bit), and he left them there. Every time he looked out the window at God’s beautiful landscape he also saw little pieces of her and remembered their lives together. Somehow, the ceramics didn’t bother him as before; in fact, they comforted him. I was thinking that next time you go buy groceries, buy a can green peas and put them in your pantry so you be will reminded of Roy each time you open the door – a happy memory. Oh yeah, Chicken and Dumplings are my favorite too. loveyou,Donna

    Like

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