04.27.21 Almost eight months of grief

I originally posted a wrong version of this post so if you get two emails notifying you of this post that is why.

This post is about thoughts that I need to share about grief and how I miss my hubby, Roy. I’m not real sure it flows well or even says all I’m feeling. But here it is.

It’s almost been eight months since Roy died. Sometimes I feel the need to cling to the memories I have of Roy so I don’t forget them. Not trying to keep those memories fresh or not spending some time thinking about the memories feels wrong.  After almost 50 years together (including dating) we shared so many wonderful and some cruddy memories. Having dementia has taken a lot of those memories away. I cannot picture him alive very much anymore. That’s a big one. I have pictures around the house of him and I find myself talking to those pictures like it is Roy standing there.

We had so many enjoyable goofy times together and I deeply miss that. We even had fun when we’d go to the grocery together. Roy died shortly after he finished building our patio behind the house.  Now when I sit out there enjoying the beauty  I can’t help but wish he’d had some time enjoying what he put so much effort into building.

I miss having the person in my life who knew and understood me best and loved me the most. I’m learning to be more independent with Roy gone. I was very independent and strong earlier in my life.  I don’t guess I’ll be doing much travel around the country like Roy and I did. I do hope to take a trip somewhere with Chip sometime soon. I would love to show him some of the amazing places Roy and I traveled to in our time with Dora.

Everything I look at around here has a memory of Roy in it. I swing in the hammock nearest the house from time to time. I love to look up at the oak tree canopies filling in with leaves each spring.

Roy hung up that hammock in a way only Roy could. That hammock will stay screwed into the oak trees forever and ever. Roy believed in doing things one project at a time and doing them well. As I lay in the hammock I remember him screwing metal hook into the oak trees and attaching the heavy ropes to the hammock. I helped in a tiny way and we took pictures of it.

I have reached a place in this awful process known as grief that I don’t cry as often. My heart does not hurt as much every time I think of Roy.  I get sad mostly when I am looking at photos of our travels and he’s in the photo. I remember how happy we were at that particular place and want to feel that again.  The pictures I see of Roy and I in our travels showed us to both be so happy.  I don’t remember being that happy any time since Roy died.

I still deeply miss my husband, my best friend. I am lonely for his presence and wish we could still have the love and fun times that filled our lives throughout our marriage. I don’t think that other people can understand what this feels like if they have not lost their spouse.  I hope you all never have to feel this.

I am thankful that Chip lives with me or the loneliness would be so overwhelming. He is now very attuned to helping me do the best I can. He’s also a very good cook!

Chip took me to the Neuropsychologist for testing in Baton Rouge on Monday. I won’t have the report for a couple of weeks. It’s the very best way to see if there is a change in my dementia since the last time these tests were done in 2015.

After the neuropsych testing, we went to our oldest son’s home to celebrate our youngest grandchild’s birthday. It was wonderful seeing all the littles and celebrating with them.

More about the fun and testing in my next post. The scripture below is one I learned as a child and have loved my whole life since Jesus saved me.

Have a blessed week, Rosalyn

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